I’m a mom! 2/14/16

On Valentine’s Day, my husband and I were going to have a “normal” day. We were given tickets to a murder mystery dinner for that afternoon, and we were going to dress up. As we were getting ready, (me in a dress, and Aaron in a suit), my water broke. Aaron didn’t believe me at first but quickly realized I wasn’t kidding. We called my doctor and after I quickly changed, we were off to the hospital. So there we are, Aaron still in a tux, and me in shock calling our parents and church family. 

When we were in the hospital the doctor said my water did in fact break, and I was moved to the labor and delivery room. We realized that the room was the same room we delivered Ryker. My doctor heard, and we knew this was going to be a better outcome. My contractions got intense very quickly! 

With labor progressing so fast they took out my cerclage and got everything prepped for baby Blair to arrive. Within minutes I was in a lot of pain asking for an epidural. Adrenaline setting in, I was asking everyone walking in if they had the epidural, and trying to make jokes between contractions. Once I finally got the epidural it was time for me to start pushing. Blair was out in 6 pushes at 4:15 PM, with the umbilical chord wrapped around her neck. Of course Aaron and I were very emotional, waiting for her to start crying. When she started to cry, I think Aaron and I fell in love with our Valentine baby. 

I was shaking really bad and was only able to hold her for a little bit before they had to take her to the NICU. A nurse came in soon after and I instantly recognized her. She was the same nurse that delivered Ryker. She saw our name and came as quickly as she could to see us. It was so comforting to see a familiar face in such a hectic room.

 Both of our parents arrived within minutes of each other, super excited to meet Blair. They got to go back one at a time with Aaron to see her, and started spreading the word that she was born. Once I was moved to a recovery room and rested I was wheeled to the NICU to meet our little girl. She was hooked up to everything it seemed like and fragile but I absolutely loved holding her. 

We love our little girl so much, and very nervous about this long road ahead. We have no idea when she will go home, but we are trusting God and praising every milestone she passes. We want to thank everyone for their prayers for our family we feel very blessed to have such loving, and supportive people in our lives. I feel incredibly greatful with how well Blair is doing already. We are so blessed that she doesn’t need surgery and all she needs to do is gain weight.  

   

  

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Our first year of marriage!

I can’t believe it’s already been a year since I got married to my wonderful husband Aaron! Our wedding was so amazing, thanks to the many many friend and family that came to help on our very special day. Of course our wedding planner Carter, was a God sent when I was so stressed planning my wedding at a summer camp in Alabama. I am so thankful for that day when she came to my cabin and said, “let me help you”. I wouldn’t have been able to imagine what our family, friends, and wedding planner put together. 

When we started talking about wedding planning the very first thing we knew we wanted was an outside wedding. So we decided to get married at Aaron’s parents house! As for the date that didn’t take much thinking, August 30th is my parents anniversary. We wanted to keep with a tradition: my parents got married on my grandparents 39th anniversary and we got married on my parents 39th anniversary. It was too perfect for us not to do it. I knew my parents would absolutely love it. 

The rehearsal dinner was like a whirl wind. People running around getting ready for tomorrow, my father in law making the DELICIOUS low country boil, and seeing family coming in was the best. We rehearsed and ate until we couldn’t move. I slept real good that night. 

Our wedding was in the evening, so on wedding day my bridesmaids took me shopping. We pretty much relaxed the rest of the time, hanging out with my family, and drinking champagne. 

When it was time to head to the house, I drove myself over there by myself. So I had lots of time to think about what was about to happen. When I got there, we immediately got into getting ready! Of course though, I had to try one of our cupcakes first. As the bride I think that was ok, I still fit into my dress! 

We had our hair done, makeup done, and dresses on. The time finally came to walk down the grass aisle. My dad and I had a moment by ourselves for a little bit and I’ll always cherish that moment. I was so excited and nervous I couldn’t wait to get to Aaron! 

Walking down the aisle was so amazing. One of Aaron’s friends played the violin and the butterflies immediately kicked in. Walking up the steps I could finally see Aaron smiling ear to ear. 

Our pastor and his wife did the service for us and it was beautiful. With the vows I stumbled over a few of them but I could not stop starring at Aaron! They were so special and I couldn’t have imagined them going any better! Of course the kiss was special it was our very first one! 

The short reception was the best, BBQ and cupcakes. The speeches our family and friends made were so sweet and special. We felt so much love not just from each other but everyone around us. I had the perfect day and at the end of it, I got an amazing husband who I’m more in love with now. 

What is on my heart

This past month I have seen so many posts and articles of women who have recently gone through either miscarriage or premature labor. It breaks my heart the amount I have seen and each time I see one it brings me back to how I felt when I lost Ryker and Harper. 

You have probably seen a video recently that has been going viral of a couple where the husband tells the wife she is pregnant. They are the cutest couple on YouTube who vlog their lives, and they posted a video recently that they miscarried. To see a couple so in love with God that they trust in his plans is so amazing. It makes it more apparent to me why God wanted me to do a blog like this. You cry with them and you feel their pain so physically it hurts your heart and you want to just hug them.

Not many people talk openly about this subject because of the deep pain it comes with. Which is totally understandable, it’s extremely hard for me to be completely open on here with my feelings. Explaining it is harder and making it so other women feel like they aren’t alone from what they experienced. For me I definitely felt that way, that no one would understand or know how it felt. The amount of people though who have reached out to me was amazing though and made me feel so loved. 

That is my goal, to show women the love I got through my experience. It breaks my heart to hear from women that they cry even more now than they did when they lost their baby. My husband and I still grieve of course and we miss our son so much but, with the love and support we were surrounded with we feel like we are ok. By the grace of God we have more good days than sad days now. 

Please feel free to reach out, I have a huge heart for grieving moms now. Of course I don’t know everything but I can be here for you if you are grieving. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are alone. I felt alone for years and felt very distant from everyone I knew, so when I finally broke down those walls I knew that things would start getting better. 

Our first loss: Harper

Ryker was not our first child. In October I found out I was pregnant, but 7 weeks in the pregnancy I lost the baby. 

About a month ago Aaron and I decided we needed to name our first baby. A name I kept seeing everywhere was Harper and it just stuck, we even saw it on a magazine I was reading right after we decided. It was a gender neutral name that we have fallen in love with that was also unique. 

Can’t help but post what I got for my birthday: I’m so in love and I haven’t stopped wearing it. It shows my story in a simple beautiful way! 

  
My mother in-law gave me one of the sweetest birthday gifts! This is an origami owl locket in honor of Ryker. 

  • R for Ryker 
  • G for Guy
  • Emerald stone- for May when he was born 
  • Blue baby feet since he was a boy 
  • Blue and pink ribbon- pregnancy and infancy loss. 

2 Month Update

This past month has been a whirl wind for me. There has been so many happy moments this month, and still the sad moments. I had such an amazing birthday with my family. My mom was able to come up to go out to take me out to lunch and I got to take advantage of all those birthday freebies.

Something occurred to me in the beginning of the month, that anything can be a trigger to us about Ryker. My dad had to go to the hospital pretty suddenly, so when Aaron and I drove up I knew it would be hard for me to be in a hospital again. I just didn’t expect to see Ryker’s name.

My dad’s hospital bed brand was called “Stryker”. When I looked at it from certain angle, I saw “ryker”. It definitely made me smile and I knew it was a kiss from God. Of course at a hospital there are births and women coming in pregnant. I almost burst into tears when I saw a “it’s a girl” bouquet and balloon coming in the doors of the hospital. I’m learning how to cry and not care about who’s around me, because grief comes in waves and nobody can stop that.

I really feel like God has really been just holding me in His arms. I have had so many encounters with him this month that just make me fall more in love with him. He knows how to romance me and knows how to challenge me.

In the hospital, a few doors down from my dad’s room there was a sign on a door that said, “Please come in, Very religious (cross)”. God immediately told me I needed to go pray for whoever was in that room. For a few days I just didn’t think it was God who said that, thinking it was just a mistake or my own thinking. That feeling that I needed to go pray didn’t go away, it increased. I was finally able to walk into the room. I was greeted very graciously by a woman in the bed and a man in the chair next to her. Her name was Carla and her husband Joe were a older couple. I told her that I felt like God wanted me to pray for her. Both of them were so incredibly receiving of that and we grew a friendship from there. They shared their life with me, just wanting to share what God did for them. I was so blessed to listen to their testimonies and listen to praise music together.

It has been a really long month for me, but the experiences I’ve had this month I’ll never forget. I’ve faced a lot of my old fears that I never thought I’d get over. Now that I have, I can grow closer to God. I’ve grown so much these past couple of months, and I’ve grown more confident because of that.

My worship experience

In church this week I saw Ryker and a little girl dancing together. They were dancing in Heaven to the music we were worshiping to. Then they both turned to me and said, “Mommy he wants you to dance with us”. I saw myself get up so fast and start dancing with them, and then Jesus broke in. He slow danced with me, and he romanced me telling me how beautiful I was to him. He wiped away my tears and just held me. I absolutely loved that vision and it was really emotional for me to experience that. It just showed me that God wants my attention on him, and that he will comfort me.

God knows how to romance me, and especially when I’m sad he lets me cry, but he always brings me back to his promises. Just to know that God wants to show me how much he loves me by giving me visions and talking to me, just amazes me. I am incredibly blessed by a God who gifts his children with supernatural gifts.

Dream

I lay in the soft green grass in my back yard. My thoughts wonder and suddenly I awake in a bubble not even realizing I fell asleep. The bubble is light and airy yet still is able to hold me. Gently it lifts me off the ground. Not knowing where I’m going, instead of panicking, I lie down and close my eyes. The higher the bubble gets the less stressed I feel, like the bubble, light and airy. My stresses of that day seem far gone. I open my eyes to find myself almost to the ground, but I’m not home anymore. I am now floating down onto a field of lavender. The bubble pops once I land to the ground. Immediately I’m hit with the sweet scent of lavender filling my lungs. As I walk through the field something out of the corner of my eye stops me. I look to see two deer, staring at me. Cautiously I walk towards them and to my surprise they don’t move. Slowly I approach them more, they start to turn around and walk together. I follow them to a river. I reach down to get some water to drink cupping my hands. The water feels like silk and instantly refreshes me with the sudden feeling of coldness on my tongue. I turn around to see the deer eating the grass around me. I notice their fur moving in the soft breeze and how beautiful they are. Suddenly I feel a touch on my arm. I open my eyes, I am back in my back yard. I am back to reality.

I don’t like Mondays 

Monday’s are hard. They are gloomy, tiring, no fun, hard days. Today has been hard simply because everything went wrong. The beginning was great! Relaxing! 

But then I had a obgyn appointment. Knowing I might have a ovarian cyst, and they couldn’t help my pain at all was enough for me to almost have a breakdown at the office. Also the fact that I have to wait a few more weeks to even know how serious it is. 

Then when I got to my car, the driver door wouldn’t open. Awesome. 

By now I am crying in my car ready to go home. Then I get home and I slam my pinky in the pantry door. 

I hate crying but I couldn’t help it. I cried so hard. I am feeling better now but all I want is to watch Netflix and eat something sugary! 

My point for this blog is to just be honest. To share my feelings whether it’s good or bad. To be real with myself and others. 

My Jesus

It is December
My flesh should feel cold but all I feel is heat.
I look outside my window
Seeing each snowflake fall slowly on to the ground
Oh how I’d love to be a snow flake drifting in the wind and carefree

Why do I feel so ashamed?
I can’t help but remember what that man did to me
Why instead of white do I feel red is dripping from my skin
Like I have a sign over my head of the obvious
I try to scrub off the red daily but it won’t come off
I can’t do this alone

I am reminded what my lord has done
For even though my naked skin should bare red
I am clothed in white
I am viewed perfect and blameless
That cross was burden and yours too
Yet someone took it upon himself to bare it for us
I am reminded of him daily
He is my lord
He is my savior
He is Jesus.